My sister and I were recently talking about how sometimes when we're talking to people we say something or do something and suddenly we have this feeling that maybe we shouldn't have. I'm not talking about things that are rude or things we obviously shouldn't say or do. I'm talking about normal everyday conversations where sometimes you just get an "uncool" feeling like you don't quite fit in. We both giggled and agreed we don't like that feeling.
Yesterday the kids and I went to a birthday lunch and ran some errands. From the first conversation I had to the last one before I came back home, I had one "uncool" moment after another. Some of them had real reasons for being awkward, like when I had a piece of potato skin from my waffle fry stuck in my front teeth and didn't realize it (ugh!) or when Liam decided in the checkout line at Costco that he would make a glass shattering, shrieking noise akin to a pod of dolphins during mating season (I'm pretty sure our 20yr old customer service associate vowed to never procreate after the 3rd one of these wonderful displays of Liam's extreme vocal range). The rest of the times were just awkward for me and I wasn't sure why. I mean everyone that I had talked with was very nice and no one did anything to make me feel awkward but I still felt so "uncool" and out of place. Part of me wondered if it was because I didn't put on my makeup (I know that is silly). I know makeup doesn't make one "cool" but it does help boost self confidence. I decided to call my sister and share my day with her and get another perspective. After telling her about every little thing that made me feel weird she agreed that a few of those occasions were justified but she thought that most of my awkwardness was self inflicted, so to speak. She said that she thought I felt that way because I was insecure and my body language showed that. Other people pick up on that and then they act funny and then I feel funny....you get the idea. After we hung up the phone I thought about what she said. Was I so insecure that I was making my own self feel uncool? Why was I insecure? We were taught as children that we should always be ourselves because God made us special and that fitting in and being "cool" shouldn't be a major concern. I really do believe that but still sometimes that yucky feeling that I felt as a child creeps in and I feel like a big dork. I decided to go to my Bible. I found so many verses that made me feel better. I was reminded that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Pslam 139:14) and I need not be insecure or fear for anything:
"Be careful (anxious) for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7"
"Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body nor what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat,and the body more than raiment? Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they? Matthew 2:25-26"
And this one is so wonderful. Growing up in church and in a Christian home we were made to memorize this one. After reciting it a hundred times you don't always think about what you're saying when you say it, it just becomes a habit, but when I saw this today the words jumped off the page at me. They were beautiful:
"The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: He leadeth me beside still waters. He restoreth my soul: He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff shall comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever. Psalm 23"
There are so many more verses I don't have time to post. I'm so glad I took the time to check my Bible. Lately I haven't spent enough time doing that and it shows. I've been insecure and stressed but after reading these verses and many more I feel so much better. I don't have to worry about being "cool", whatever that is anyway, and according to the Bible I don't need to worry about anything. God knows my needs before I need them and He knows my fears before I'm ever afraid and He's got them all covered. What a relief to know that He's watching over me and has my life under control. If He knows the number of hairs on my head and not one sparrow falls that He doesn't know about (Matthew 10:29-31) then I know he cares about all of the tiny details of my life, not just the big ones. That makes me feel better and more confident than all the make up in the world.
After all of our shopping and errands we came home and I made gluten free cupcakes for my sweet Liam. I can't believe he is 3 years old. It really seems like just yesterday we were waiting to meet him... It was about 4pm and I was laboring quietly in my bathtub while Chris was playing the guitar and singing to me Bob Seger's "Against the wind" (I know that sounds funny but Chris has a beautiful voice and I love it when he sings that song). Rachel and Elliot were playing, completely oblivious to the fact that they were about to have a baby brother. My mommy and sister were in my living room waiting, very excited but a little nervous because we were having a homebirth. Then at 5:10pm on Sunday, July 26th, 2009 our sweet curly headed boy was born into Chris's hands, so tiny (5lbs 10oz, 18") and helpless. So so sweet. Such wonderful memories. Now he's still sweet (and very feisty) but so much bigger and can do anything his big brother can do and then some (he's my dare devil). After we ate dinner I let the kids pick out what color sprinkles they each wanted on their cupcake. They were so excited! Sprinkles are pretty awesome so I can't blame them. Liam did not appreciate our special rendition of "Happy Birthday" and was screaming by the end of it "I don't like that". HAHAHA! It was a wonderful evening and a great end to an awkward day. A wonderful dinner and quality time with 5 people who never make me feel out of place or "uncool". Thank you Lord for my beautiful family.
